Donald Glover reflects on a horrible New York City subway experience, shares questionable comedy advice from Tracy Morgan and explains why he thinks some people can’t properly say the N-word.
Comedy Central Presents showcased some of the best up-and-coming comedians of the moment. The show was a pivotal stepping stone for many of today’s stand-up comedy stars, including Dave Chappelle, Patton Oswalt, Amy Schumer, Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart, Zach Galifianakis, Dane Cook, Bill Burr, Wanda Sykes and Maria Bamford.
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I'M BACK IN NEW YORK, BABY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHUCKLES ]
I MISS THIS PLACE. THIS IS AWESOME. I GOT TO BE HONEST —
THE FIRST — I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY, RIGHT? I GOT BACK ON THURSDAY,
AND THE FIRST THING I DID — I GOT ON THE SUBWAY, RIGHT? AND I GOT ON THE SUBWAY, AND THIS LITTLE PERSON
CAME ON THE TRAIN. ARE THERE ANY LITTLE PEOPLE
IN THE AUDIENCE? GOOD.
I'M GONNA SAY "MIDGET." [ LAUGHTER ] SO, THIS MIDGET —
YOU'LL SEE WHY — THIS MIDGET CAME ON THE TRAIN, AND HE PUSHED MY LEG
AND HE HIT ME LIKE THAT. AND I WAS LIKE —
HE WAS A RUDE, RUDE MIDGET. AND, LIKE, PUSHED ME,
AND, LIKE, I LOOKED DOWN AT HIM. I WAS LIKE — YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT CONFRONTATIONAL, BUT I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE YOU." AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME. HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?" NOW, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
'CAUSE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU NOT GONNA LOOK LIKE THE HERO
FIGHTING A MIDGET. PEOPLE AREN'T — "OH, I'M GLAD
YOU KICKED THAT MIDGET'S ASS. YOU TOOK THAT MIDGET DOWN A PEG.
I'M GLAD YOU DID THAT." NOBODY'S GONNA SAY THAT. SO, LIKE, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
BUT THE WHOLE TIME IN MY HEAD, THE WHOLE TIME,
I'M THINKING LIKE, "HOW DO I GET THIS MIDGET
TO CALL ME A [BLEEP] SO I CAN CALL HIM A MIDGET?" [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET CALLED
THE "N" WORD AS A BLACK PERSON, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE GETTING A GOLD STAR
ON "SUPER MARIO BROS." AND JUNK. I HEAR THE MUSIC. WHEN I HEAR THE "N" WORD,
I'M LIKE, "DO-DO-DO," YOU KNOW, LIKE, I GET RIGHT INTO IT. I GET REALLY INTO IT, YOU KNOW? AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. LIKE, YOU CAN BE
IN A FANCY RESTAURANT AND JUST START THROWING POOP
AT THE WALLS. AND PEOPLE BE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "SOMEBODY CALLED ME
THE 'N' WORD." "OH, YES, OBAMA, OBAMA, YES." [ LAUGHTER ] I JUST STARTED KIND OF DOING
THIS STAND-UP THING, RIGHT? SO, LIKE, YOU KNOW, I USED TO WRITE FOR THIS SHOW
CALLED "30 ROCK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT'S WHAT'S UP, RIGHT? AND I LOVE WRITING, BUT WHEN
I STARTED DOING STAND-UP, I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING. I'M GONNA TALK TO TRACY
ABOUT IT." I WAS GONNA ASK TRACY WHAT — "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME,
'CAUSE I'M JUST STARTING. DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS?" AND HE WAS LIKE
[ As Tracy Morgan ] "YEAH, MAN, TALK ABOUT PENISES, MAN." [ LAUGHTER ] [ Normal voice ]
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?" HE WAS LIKE [ As Tracy Morgan ]
"YEAH, MAN, TALK ABOUT PENISES. "DUDES LOVE THAT [BLEEP] MAN. "TALK ABOUT PENISES. "I'LL TELL YOU A STORY, MAN. "ONE TIME I HAD BROKEN INTO
THIS ASIAN GIRL'S DORM ROOM AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY." [ LAUGHTER ] "AND I FELL ASLEEP. "AND THEY WOKE ME UP
AND THEY SAID, "'TRACY, YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON
IN FIVE MINUTES.' "AND I DIDN'T HAVE NO MATERIAL. "SO I JUST SAID [BLEEP]
FOR 45 MINUTES. "I TALKED ABOUT PENISES
FOR 45 MINUTES. DO THAT. DO THAT, MAN." [ Normal voice ]
SO I DID THAT. YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING. I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, IT'S TRACY MORGAN. I'M GONNA LISTEN TO HIM."
SO I DID THAT. I TALKED ABOUT PENISES,
AND PEOPLE LOVED IT. IT WAS GOOD.
IT WENT WELL. AND THEN, AFTERWARDS,
A DUDE WAS LIKE, "HEY, CHRIS WANTS TO TALK
TO YOU." I WAS LIKE, "WHO?" "CHRIS ROCK WANTS TO TALK
TO YOU." I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!
CHRIS ROCK?!" I LOVE CHRIS ROCK.
CHRIS ROCK'S MY IDOL, RIGHT? SO I'M LIKE, "YEAH."
I GO UP TO HIM. I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH."
I'M EXCITED. "YO, WHAT'D YOU THINK?" HE WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" [ LAUGHTER,
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ Normal voice ]
I WAS LIKE, "I-I DON'T KNOW." HE'S LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ] "'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE
YOU WENT ONSTAGE AND SAID [BLEEP]
FOR 45 MINUTES." [ LAUGHTER ] [ Normal voice ]
AND HE RIPPED INTO ME, MAN. HE RIPPED INTO ME,
AND THAT BROKE MY HEART, 'CAUSE I LOVE CHRIS ROCK. I USED TO DO HIS BITS
ALL THE TIME. HE HAS A FAMOUS BIT CALLED, YOU KNOW,
"'N' WORD VERSUS BLACK PEOPLE." AND I LOVE THAT BIT, BUT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO SAY
THE "N" WORD IN THE HOUSE. MY PARENTS WOULDN'T
LET ME SAY THE "N" WORD, SO I JUST DID "BLACK PEOPLE
VERSUS VAMPIRES" INSTEAD. I WAS UP THERE,
YOU KNOW, TELLING JOKES. I WAS LIKE, [ As Chris Rock ]
"THERE'S TWO CATS. "TWO CATS GOIN' ON. "THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE
AND VAMPIRES. "THE VAMPIRES GOT TO GO. "EVERY TIME BLACK PEOPLE
WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, "IGNORANT-ASS VAMPIRES GOT
TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYBODY. "CAN'T KEEP A BLOOD BANK OPEN.
GRAND OPENING? "YOU WANT TO KNOW THE WORST
THING ABOUT VAMPIRES? "THE WORST THING
ABOUT VAMPIRES — "VAMPIRES CAN'T BE
IN THE SUN, BOY. YOU CAN'T HAVE NO VAMPIRE FRIEND
AND THEN TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ Normal voice ]
I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT.
I GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT. [ CHUCKLES ] YOU KNOW, YEAH, I JUST —
I DIDN'T SAY THE "N" WORD. I WASN'T ALLOWED. I DIDN'T START SAYING IT
UNTIL LIKE 11th GRADE, RIGHT? THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED
TO SAY THE "N" WORD, AND BY THEN, YOU MISS
YOUR "N" WORD MOTOR SKILLS. YOU CAN'T SAY IT RIGHT. LIKE, I WOULD WALK DOWN THE HALL AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?" I'M LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT'S UP [BLEEP]" AND THEY BE LIKE, "AAH, AAH.
I KNOW YOU'RE BLACK, BUT, MNH." OH, IT'S THAT HARD 'R', MAN. YOU KNOW? SOME PEOPLE CAN'T SAY
THE "N" WORD. SOME BLACK PEOPLE CANNOT SAY IT.
IT'S TRUE. CAN YOU IMAGINE SEAL
SAYING THE "N" WORD? [ LAUGHTER ] NO, RIGHT? YOU CAN'T HAVE SEAL
AT THE GRAMMYS TALKING ABOUT… ♪ [BLEEP] ARE EVERYWHERE ♪ ♪ [BLEEP] CUT UP MY FACE ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT. YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE,
OBAMA UP THERE JUST TALKING AND JUST, LIKE,
GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND JUST HAVE IT TURN INTO
DEF COMEDY JAM OR SOMETHING. HE'S LIKE, [ As Barack Obama ]
"AS WE STAND HERE TODAY…" [ LAUGHTER ] "…THERE ARE STILL
SOME AMERICANS WHO DON'T BELIEVE I HAVE
THEIR BEST INTEREST AT HEART." [ LAUGHTER ] "AND I'D LIKE TO PUT
THOSE FEARS TO REST TODAY. "BUT BEFORE I DO THAT… I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
HOW [BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN'." [ LAUGHTER ] "'CAUSE THEY DO." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] "THEY BE TRIPPIN'. "[BLEEP] BE TRIPPIN' — "ESPECIALLY WHEN BITCHES
BE AROUND. "BECAUSE BITCHES BE WANTIN' TO
GO TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. "AND THEY BE GETTIN'
THEIR CHEESECAKE "WITH BLUEBERRIES,
STRAWBERRIES, AND CARAMELS. AND I BE LIKE, 'BITCH,
THAT IS EXPENSIVE.'" [ LAUGHTER ]