Bill Burr's Hilarious Advice For Nice Guys

Bill Burr's Hilarious Advice For Nice Guys

Bill gives a “nice guy” some much needed advice

ah alright they let me paint you this picture for a moment I used to be terrible with girls I was always a nice guy but that gets you nowhere oh Jesus exactly girls always said I was really nice but they were never interested this was because I lacked confidence and wasn't sure of myself there you go this guy taking responsibility for himself that's exactly it so as time went on I got a few practice girls in my confidence inevitably grew and I started doing well there you go right there all you youngsters young guys out there nice guys trying to get fucking laid there it is that's page one right there you're a nice guy you're fucking boring them all right you got to be a little bit of a dick right near as you walk in and try to have respect for the podcast how much look at you I can see it on your face right now these she's doing that classic girl thing where she's trying not to smile and she's rolling her fucking eyes and you know it you gotta be a little bit of a cocky asshole you got to come up you got insult him a little bit yeah you do like if I saw you right now even though I like your outfit I would walk up to you and be like what did you would you come straight from work that's how you dress when you come out you think what I'm just fucking with you what are you drinking right out of the gate come right out put your balls right on the fucking table take a look at him sweetie I'm just trying to gross you out now whatever you got a charmer do what you got to do I don't like your fucking sandals I don't like him I've been meaning to tell you ow that was a good one right now fucking leg beat it see that she just gave me the finger and she walked out see right there that's the little urban flow you have to have in your relationship see if you're always complimenting them you know what women I like they're like dogs right this is a record for me I've gone 46 minutes without trashing women yeah they're like dogs they really are as much as they try to say we're like dogs people are just like fucking dogs you can't reward them all the goddamn time stroke in the back of their goddamn head next thing you know they're shitting on the rug if you once in a whi I got to give him a little discipline tell him you don't like what they're wearing anyways so he was a guy he figured it out why am I not getting laid I don't have confidence so what do I need to do I need to go out there and get some at-bats that's what you do you go out there and you start talking some shit and you're gonna bomb and you're gonna embarrass yourself but eventually you're gonna push through and all those times you embarrass yourself they're just they're just gonna become they're just gonna they're just gonna be funny stories to tell gosh do I have a funny one I remember I used to try to go to dance clubs which totally weren't my scene because not only was I not good-looking enough to be in there I didn't know how to dance and couldn't dance and I would just walk up to girls and my opening line was I would yell hey do you want to dance and then they would go no and then I walk away uh and it would take me at least another 40 minutes if I did to get the courage to approach another one and that's the thing you broads don't fucking appreciate you know what are you gonna do well you got to sit there and pluck you who has and pick the right fucking colored dog make sure it matches your bra you get to do all of that in private we got to sit there and basically it's like doing stand-up the only way to learn how to do is you have to go on stage and just eat your balls you got a bomb I don't know I guess it all gets made up because they get pregnant and they got to deal with that fucking shit you know and it forget about the pain of pregnancy can you imagine another thing growing inside of you Jesus I would go to the doctor and be like get this out of me this this virus it's it's eating my guts no no no that's what's supposed to happen get it out get it out all right anyways let's continue here so time went on and I realize how ignorant all that's that was all right ladies ladies it's ladies night today it's Ladies Day morning on the Monday morning podcast I should have a ladies morning shouldn't I a ladies night on the Monday morning podcast you know then I'll play clips I should do that and just be honoring you while I fucking just Raschi in my own roundabout kunti way that's what I'll do I'll just play alright I'm back I just ran out of battery power god dammit I was on a nice roll there it always makes the editing difficult I apologize everybody the fuck happened you know it's funny too is I went and I and I bought a whole bunch of these double-a batteries you know my girls they we need my job away bad days he might double a battery so I'm always using them right so I go down to the goddamn CVS and I buy like this big fucking 12-pack of them 12 double-a batteries I go up to the package there's like one left fucking goddamn fucking women no matter what you buy it's not enough it's never a fuck I just go take a battery out of some goddamn thing that she owns no not a vibrator yes fucking filthy assholes it's actually this baby monitor so we can watch the dog in here which crate training the motherfucker um so we sit here and watch this why we couldn't just use our laptops and Skype it you know sent a signal up to the fucking satellite whatever let's get back on track here I swear to God if I bought the 24 pack they would still only be one left well I just replaced the batteries and everything just in case why is it illegal to slap you okay let's play that's so me I would never do that okay ladies let's relax alright so let's let's plow ahead here let me let me get through the advice here so I can watch the Monday Night Football what you guys are probably already doing um so anyway so this guy here so it's time went on I got my confidence I started doing well I reserve the right oh you know I didn't become cocky ass start acting like I'm God's gift to women because I know I'm you know I'm not that mentality and it's for dickheads so anyways this guy's been through a considerable amount of women I'm trying to paraphrase here because this is a really long email he ends up meet meeting this girl everything's going great he's having a good time with her after some time this guy's from Ireland he says after some time the blowjobs in sex altogether had started to diminish I had a paraphrase because he wrote a ton of information there basically he meets this girl everything's going great they're basically drinking and fucking and everything's often and then you know it starts tapering off so so it starts tapering off and she started to use sex as a weapon she would play mental games with me and it and I'd end up feeling like a bastard when she'd shoot me down for sex I'd say that's cool I don't mind then I excused myself go to the bathroom and crack one out there you go sir that's what you do you know and when you get to that fucking Kevin Spacey beautiful mind level you rub one out right in front of her never I've never done that but I think that that's awesome anyways he goes so anyways I still got to enter the barrel but she wasn't involved and when I try to talk to her calmly about what she was see what she was thinking and how she was feeling it would never go well she returned on the waterworks and play the victim even though she was the one who instigated the mind-fucking I'm not sure what her eject objective was because the concept of emotional blackmail is a foreign concept to me I'd always tried to approach everything with a rational understanding basis so that she wouldn't feel targeted or threatened I should also add that it took a lot for me to sit down calmly and talk while accepting criticism from her as I'm a very direct and often angry fella well that's the only red flag there other than that you seem like you take your shit and you give it as well you got to watch the anger dude trust me I can speak volumes of that I'm not the best guy in the world so you can imagine how difficult it was not to punch her in her cunt face okay this is getting a little uglier as soon as she started crying as I see crying as a schoolyard scapegoat for girls to get what they want because they know men don't know how to handle it all right out I'm with you with everything right up to this times women do cry because they're upset they do have access to that emotion more than we do and I know but I know that angry feeling you have where you're like this is how you have to gauge that is basically if they cry every time then you can call bullshit but if they only cry once in a fucking blue moon then you have to realize that you've really upset them and yeah and then you just got to deal with that that fucking awkwardness of not knowing what to do and then also feeling like a bully but there's nothing worse I will agree with you that if you're right and you haven't done anything wrong and then they start crying and then you know you can't be a dick in that moment but you don't that doesn't mean you have just cuz they're crying doesn't mean you have to apologize if you're fucking right you don't have to apologize but there is that thing where if you make a female cry I mean if you're any sort of a guy it's very difficult to just stand there and be like what well I don't give a fuck you crying go ahead cry some more huh like you've dealt that guy in the Great Santini he's gonna shed a few start bouncing a basketball off the back of their head you can't be that guy all right so let's plow ahead here um anyways females if you want to chime in there ladies what's the deal with the Kroy like what percentage of it is bullshit can I get an honest fucking woman out there I mean God knows guys we have our techniques to get out of shit they're fucking pathetic and you see right through them and I know right now you're like why are you just rubbing their fucking muffs right now because that's a strategy to win arguments you just keep feeding their fucking ego there's a lot of women out there who really believe that guys are so fucking dumb that they can't get anything past them and that's a great place for them to continue existing as far as I'm concerned oh yeah yeah you know we can get anything by you you're just fucking yeah you're the fucking goddamn World Police with you know you have a vagina you fucking know everything yeah I can't get anything by you you are all-powerful I bow down in front of the um you know it was funny about that yet any magazine out there can just you know fashion magazine can just tap into their fucking insecurities and get them to buy the dumbest stupidest fucking Warpaint to put on their fucking face because some emaciated I don't know mean opt pigeon-toed fucking drugged up twat is wearing it but you can't get you know you can't get anything past them yet that's great my voice just cracked right there can't get a big past um um I'm sorry I'm actually getting over a cold if you haven't if you can't tell how did you get the cold bill was it from traveling the country and doing all that press no it isn't it's cuz I played a game of football in the fucking rain and street clothes before Monday Night Football last week I'm sorry I always amped up anyway so let's plow ahead so basically this guy deals with there for the next two fucking months and he finally ends up just saying he woke up one day and said get you a shite out of my flat this this is over I can't deal with these mind games so what do I get to his question here anyways I don't have much of an ego I like to accept my faults you know what dude you've said that one too many times where I'm starting to think maybe you do and maybe this woman is buried in a new fucking turnip garden in your backyard I like to set my faults in a myth what I have done is wrong and learned from it so it's not to make the same mistakes over and over again my question is Bill how do I get them to fuck up and stop testing my patience and how do I meet someone who doesn't want to control me with their bullshit games um I don't know dude I i half of this I'm really going with you when you seem like an introspective person and the other half you've worded this kind of like a psycho how do you get them to fuck up and stop testing your paint like testing your patience that's kind of like a picture Dick Cheney type guy saying something like that what the fuck do I know basically I don't know what your problem is in this email okay you dated she started playing mind games with you and all it was was after 2 months you were like fuck this pack up your shit and get out of my life so be one thing if you were still in the relationship then I would say that you have problems but you don't you you met a psycho so what I would say is uh I don't know just stay single stay single right now and wait till you find someone who doesn't try to mind fuck you the problem is you sound like a younger guy and the problem is is what you're learning is that the crazy girls they they're really down for anything when it comes to sex and that's really hard to resist in your 20s so what I would say is in the future is when you meet a girl like that is not to get involved in a fucking relationship but you know bang them and you know get your stories out cuz it'll prevent you from having a midlife crisis later on in life am i helping you well I don't know I mean I'm kind of giving you shit here but I'm also uh I'm trying you know I'm really doing right here is you're basically bearing the brunt of the fact that I've trashed women so much in the last 10 minutes they have to try to seem like I'm balanced here and then I don't understand exactly what the fuck is saying but I think I think you're fine she tried to play that mind game with you you didn't lose your shit you said according to you anyway she said I'm fine you went in you rubbed one out you banged her for two fucking months and one day you were like what am i doing and you just said yeah pack up you shouldn't get out of here so I would not this woman is not a good example of a good woman alright so don't try to don't act like all women are like this like I have for a long time and like I do every week on my podcast just for comedic purposes I like trashing them it's fun and it's childish but they're not all like that if you're young there's still great girls out there go out and go find them and I don't know make a list of what you're looking for and then you also have to realize dude that you know everybody's gonna come with their faults like you with your temper

29 thoughts on “Bill Burr's Hilarious Advice For Nice Guys

  1. Making moves and being confident is what women want and like, you either get what you want or you donโ€™t, thatโ€™s most of it right there, if sheโ€™s making moves for you sheโ€™s probably doing more than one guy

  2. Chick's are like cars . You must test drive it before you buy it . If it's a loner pay the$11.00 a day for insurance and drive like you stole it… Some Chick's are made for cruising… Some are more for speed … Some Chick's are made to trash on until the FUCKING wheels fall off. when you are done slam the FUCKING door kick a dent in the fender and walk a way…..

    you can use it..

  3. How do you tell your girlfriend that she's putting on weight? Just tell her but add the softener, "The good thing is you don't smell too bad for a fat lass'. I get out of ICU in a few days….

  4. what buddy was talking about is called "shit testing" women do that ALL the time….they "shit test" you to determine how much shit they can throw at you. If you take it all? you're a pussy and they don't want to be with you. If you don't put up with any, you're an asshole and they don't want to be with you. You have to find the balance. Well, if you're a pussy. I wouldn't put up with any after I learned wtf my last gf was doing……

  5. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ church ! Preach brother ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. Thats not always true…because i am a bit of a cocky asshole and my girl left me for a guy that isnt even in her ballpark looks-wise, and is a total ass kiss. I think some women like having the upper hand and choose guys that either dont make as much, dont look as good, or dont have much goin. What else could explain some of the couples i see all the time. Its a mystery to me. But after 36 years i can honestly say i dont believe monogamy is even a realistic thing…because you know everyone has thought of another while their bangin their wife or husband and ya-youre technically not cheating but ya still want to! And ya know, I dont want to be responsible for keeping anyone from doing what they want so…i mean. Idk.
    With that, go fuck yaselves.
    Edit: i met a hot super cool chick i used to like in school a few years back when i wasnt single-as friends and she told me she didnt believe in monogamy and well, she wanted to bang but i didnt, not that i didnt want to but because i dont cheat…and i regret not thinking more about it other than, "some guy really hurt her before." She was totally right and thats so unique to have a beautiful, smart woman think that and not be afriad to express herself. I really fucked that up.

  7. As men become more stupid and spineless, women take up power in the vacuum created, and our entire society becomes weakened. We have been seeing a prime example of this ever since the 90s when Hillary was wearing the pants in the White House. Now our country is becoming a weak cesspool of un American activity, run by loudmouthed bullying women, whose husbands are Mice, always looking for a hole to crawl in ,, when the shit hits the fan.Dont blame the current leftist Socialist shit on the women! Blame it on the gutless sellout men! Women have always been whores, with few exceptions, throughout the history of mankind.

  8. Advice for nice guys (particularly the reddit kind), in the style of Avenue Q:

    Thereโ€™s a fine, fine line between boring and nice

    Thereโ€™s a fine, fine line between banter and being a misogynistic headass

    Oh, if she doesnโ€™t like you it *could* be because you were a creeper all along

    And thereโ€™s a VERY THICK line between friendship and wanting your dong.

  9. Never loose anger jus loose it enough to drop her drazz put her on yr lap & slap her ass till its red with yr finger marks…
    If she resist & slaps jus let her do shit & keep slaping her ass…
    She cries tell her thats watsup for talking too much…
    U CANT DO THAT being an emotional psycho tell her walk
    If yr too cool for that crazy shit..
    Never try to domesticate crazy bitches unless yr genuinly crazy ass too

  10. Here's what you do. Join a gym, no girl likes an out of shape guy. It shows a lack of discipline. Get in shape and get your confidence up.

    Second, approaching a woman cold is extremely difficult. Its alot easier if you're going to school or work with them because you have to see them. So what you do is say to her: "hey your kind of pretty, so I have a question for you. There is this girl at the library (or some fucking made up place but it has to be specific) and I really like her. I wanna ask her out but i don't know how to do it without making an ass out of myself. You probably get hit on. What gets you interested?

    The key here is making sure you really sell this. Dont act interested in her at all or say she kind of looks like you fuck that. Just play it cool and see what she says. Women love giving advice so you listen and learn.

    Then when you see her again, if she asks about it say, "it turns out she was married but doesnt wear a ring. So I had to drop it."

    It shows your fake integrity and that you have standards. The rest is up to you to keep the conversation going and then after you two have a baseline you say, "hey you wanna go out sometime?"

    What this guy did is basically go up to a woman and say, hey wanna fuck?

  11. At 11:25 you clown about make up. Clowns put paint on their face every day. War paint lol. Does this make all women that wear makeup clowns? Or just deceptive cunts?

  12. 'I did well not to punch her in her cunt face' ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ This guy is my fucking hero/spirit animal.

  13. American women are the most self-righteous, entitled, hypocritical women in the world. Feminism has taught them that they are never accountable for anything, at any time. If you get a passport and travel around the world you'll see what I mean.
    Once you get out of the US, and travel to places like South America, Asia and even Europe, the women are so much nicer, and easier to get along with.
    Unfortunately the USA has become the land of the victim and the women who complain the most are always the ones who have easy, comfortable, pampered lives.

  14. The hot ones are crazy and the chubby or not as hot ones are way more down to earth, catch 22 so make a choice and try to live with it lol.

  15. I was raised to never let a man see you cry. My father said it's a sign of weakness and shows men how they can & will manipulate you. Only my husband & my son sees me cry.

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